Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
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