Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
