Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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