Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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