My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Randomize
