Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
