I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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