I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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