Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
