she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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