just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
