It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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