I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
