3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
