Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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