If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
