update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
