Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
My life is pants optional.
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