my text book just quoted the cookie monster
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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