I want to walk on stilts...naked
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
