You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
