She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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