He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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