my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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