I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Well I just put wine in my tea
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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