I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
