i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
