Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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