Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
