You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
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Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
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The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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