he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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