the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
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i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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