i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
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He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
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I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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