I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
