there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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