i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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