This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
