Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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