LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
