remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
