I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
In other news, I just burned my penis
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
