The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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