Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
