Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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