remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I can't turn off my feet"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize