I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
