FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
