my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Houston, we have a blender
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
