the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Dick very happy bro
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
