I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
