2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
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I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
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It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early