Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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