I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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