Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
