Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
