So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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