How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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