Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
