:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
