wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
