Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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