Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
