we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
