My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
