I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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