Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I understand Curling. That high.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
